Letters to God

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - 2 Corinthians 5:17

Dear God,

I'm falling in love with You more every day.
I can't believe I missed out on this for 16 years.
I was full of confusion and anger. And of regret.
You always comfort me during my need and You're always there for me
And every time I read Your Word, it speaks to me in so many ways.
And every time I pray, I cry.
Not because I'm sad but because the world is so beautiful.
Because You fill up my emptiness with joy.
Thanks for making me a better person.

Love.
Jasmine



8/10/08 --> this is a bit personal. It was a letter I wrote after I got saved :)

Dear Heavenly Father,

Finally after all these years I have come home to you.
I honestly can say I felt a calling. I felt you moving in me. What I experienced was pretty much indescribable.

Help me to die to myself. To trust in you more. To trust in other people more.
Help me to grow in you spiritually. Help me to be a good example to shine my light to others. To stand out. To have more of you and less of me.

God please help me to make you be my first love. To put you before anything and everything. You can mold me, break me, shape me, and make me. I'm all yours. I now realize that everything I went through... and still everything I go through is/was for a reason, a purpose. There's a reason why I'm still alive and breathing today. There's a reason why I went to Lake Mead. There's a reason for everything.

I felt overcome with guilt. I went for all the wrong reasons. I went to meet new people and have fun.I went to try new things. I went to hang out with my friends. I went because I didn't want to stay home. I didn't go because I wanted to get to know you more spiritually or at all. I didn't go because I wanted to grow in you. I didn't go because I wanted to change myself.

I've been faking my whole life. Faking my personality. Faking my spirituality. Faking everything. I asked myself every night as I cried myself to sleep I'm so good at faking everything that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I had two sides and I was a fake Christian. I failed to trust you. To let you guide me. I shunned you out and didn't listen. I faked my whole religion. I faked my whole life actually. And I didn't even know who I was. I felt so lost and misunderstood. I had friends but I stood alone. I tried to act like everything was all right. Sometimes the reason why I act so happy is to mask up what I'm really feeling. To cover up my emotions. To hide the real me. And also I used it as an outlet because I couldn't really be happy at home. The real me was fading away slowly. I was fading away. To a point in time where i had no will to live or even breathe. But i still kept a smile on my face. and i continued to act again thinking i could get away with this. and i continued to live my life without a purpose, or actually even a life at all.

I will always remember this date. Yesterday 8/8/08. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. There were many times when I could have been baptized or accepted you but I never did. And what I felt was so beautiful. I wonder how can you love someone like me. I'm a sinner. I have flaws. I'm definitely not perfect. I'm far from everything you would expect me to be. I can't believe that I was so lucky to experience what I felt and I pray that others will too. I can't believe I wasn't actually going to experience this.

When I got baptized I was so emotional. Not that's not a good word to describe but I felt like everything that I've tried to hide just came out after years of keeping it in. I felt so relieved and refreshed.I felt like you were actually speaking and calling me out. Then I realized that you've been doing that my whole life. I just never wanted to listen. No a stronger word- I refused. I ignored you. I shunned you out. I thought I could get by. I grew up in a Christian family, went to church every Sunday, and was a "good" person. but there are no signs that i was born again, that i was different, that i was a Christian. Then that "good" person faded away. I was angry. frustrated. emotional. depressed. drained. I turned to other things to take away my pain. Sadly, I didn't turn to you. that's my biggest regret. I wish I could get to know you for an extra 16 years. But the good, no great thing is that I can start off knowing you now.

Please take away my pride, my anger, my sadness.
Please take away my depression, bitterness, hatred.
Please take away everything that doesn't come from you.
Please guide and counsel me through the tough times.
Please help me to know you more.
Please help me to fall in love with you.

I'm ready to quit the act. I'm ready to start over.

I think I went through all this because now I see the world in new eyes. I open my eyes and look around. Everywhere I go I see people hurting, crying out to you unintentionally. I see the old me before. I see masks. I see pain. I now know that everyone has a story. Everyone has problems. You never know what's concealed under that perfect facade. I pray for all these people and I ache to reach out to them so please give me to strength to. I guess I was so focused on my own suffering, I failed to see others.

Please bring people in my life who need you. Please help me to hunger and thirst for you more.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope

On the way back I reflected a lot of things in my life. I'm going to change and reform from now on. I will be a different person. I asked myself in confusion why didn't this happen to me earlier last year at lake mead, or even a few years ago. My whole life. But God's timing is perfect.

So now I don't want the "honeymoon" to be over. I don't want to be on a spiritual high and then forget that nothing happened. Because something did. Because I want a lasting relationship with you my whole life. I will make it work. I know the more time I spend with you, the more I fall in love with you.

I know there are hard times, trials, troubles, and persecution coming ahead but I'm ready to do anything for you God. Because I don't belong to myself I belong to you. So please just use me for whatever you want. Let your will be done. thank you for giving me back my life so i can give it back to you. I'm ready to die to myself.


Love.
Jasmine